Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
