So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
