my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
