I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
