So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
