I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
