Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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