I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She needs sedatives and a leash
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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