just survived the first fart of the relationship.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
A+ Viking dick
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
