and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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