end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You can't special order awesome
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
