I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
