My room smells like vodka and shame
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
