I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
