So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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