I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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