I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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