Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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