How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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