i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
