If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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