I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
