I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Farmville is her only friend.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize