i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
