Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
