oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
