why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
