Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
