Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
