how can u be prego again
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
