My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
