I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
