I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
