I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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