pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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