We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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