Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
