yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
