yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
