his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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