I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
