You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
