Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
