i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
