Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
