I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
