I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
