His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
