I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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