tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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