I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
