His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
we're making bets on your personal life
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
