Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
