you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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