dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
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just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
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A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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